Jokes II
"Mower Boy"
The minister was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny was manning.
"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.
Little Johnny said, "Sure does - just pull on the cord hard, though."
The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.
Thinking he'd been swindled, he took
the mower back to Little Johnny's
house. "You said this would work if
I pulled on the cord hard enough."
"Well," Johnny said, "you need to swear at it sometimes."
The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"
"Just keep yanking on that cord. It'll come back to you."
"Three Boys"
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging
about their fathers. The
first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a
few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing.
My Dad scribbles a few words on a
piece of paper, he calls it a song,
they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon.
And, it takes eight people to
collect all the money!"
"Wind"
A very attractive young lady was sitting
in a fine restaurant one
night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she
wanted to make sure everything was
perfect. So, as she bends down
in her chair to get the mirror from her
purse, she accidentally breaks wind
quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight, embarrassed and
red faced, sure that everyone in
the place heard her, turns to the waiter
and demands, "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says,
"Sure lady, which way was it
headed?"
"Biology Class"
This actually happened at Harvard University
in October of last year. In a
biology class, the professor was discussing
the high glucose levels found
in semen. A young female (freshman)
raised her hand and asked "If I
understand, you're saying there is
as much glucose in male semen as there
is in sugar? "That's correct", responded
the professor, going on to add
statistical info. Raising her hand
again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't
it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence,
the whole class burst out
laughing, the poor girl's face turned
bright red, and as she realized
exactly what she had inadvertently
said (or rather implied), she picked up
her books without a word and walked
out of class... and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door,
the professor's reply was classic.
Totally straight-faced he answered
her question, "It doesn't taste sweet
because the taste-buds for sweetness
are on the tip of the tongue and not
in the back of the throat."
"Wife 1.0 Upgrade "
Last year a friend of mine upgraded
GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found
that it's a memory hog leaving very
little system resources for other
applications. He is only now noticing
that Wife 1.0 also is spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming
valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included
in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed
him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself
such that it is always launched at
system initialization where it can
monitor all other system activity. He's
finding that some applications such
as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and
PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to
run in the system at all, crashing the
system when selected (even though they
always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no
option as to the installation of
undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw
55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish
with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
A 'Don't remind me again' button Minimize button An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of
the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by
sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even
here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend
2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first.
Other users say this is a long
standing bug which I should have been
aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared
use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug
by now. To make matters worse,
The uninstall program for GirlFriend
1.0 doesn't work very well leaving
undesirable traces of the application
in the system.
Another thing that sucks--all versions
of GirlFriend continually pop up
little annoying messages about the
advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
****** BUG WARNING ******
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If
you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0
will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress
1.1 will refuse to install, claiming
insufficient resources.
****** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ******
To avoid the above bug, try installing
Mistress 1.1 on a different system
and never run any file transfer applications
such as LapLink 6.0. Also,
beware of similar shareware applications
that have been known to carry
viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another
solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under
an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally
be downloaded from the UseNet.
"Eyes"
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant
and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been
checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass
eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man. He reflexivel reaches
out, grabs it out of the air, and hands
it back.
Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says
as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy your dinner to make
it up to you." They enjoy a
wonderful dinner together, and afterwards
the woman invites him to the
theater followed by drinks. After paying
for everything, she asks him if
he would like to come to her place
for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast
the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet
meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything
had been incredible! You know," he said,
"you are the perfect woman. Are you
this nice to every guy you meet?" No,
she replies.........
(Wait for it...)
(It's coming.............)
(The suspense is killing you, I know
........)
"You just happened to catch my eye."
"Jesus is watching you"
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shone his flashlight around,
looking for valuables, and when he
picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice
echoed from the dark saying
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked
his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a
bit, he shook his head, clicked the
light back on and began searching for
more valuables. Just as he pulled
the stereo out so he could disconnect
the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around
frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the
corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the
parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just
trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh?
Who the hell are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What
kind of stupid people would name a
Parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same kind of people that
would name a rotweiller Jesus,"
the bird answered.
"Abracadabra"
"Years ago, when trying to invoke
the mysterious forces of the universe,
you said: "Abracadabra"
Today you say:
"I think we need to call tech support."
--Cecil Adams, The Straight Dope
"Late Breaking Barbie News"
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.
"How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.
In a condescending manner she responds,
"Which Barbie? We have
Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95
Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95
Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95
Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95
Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95
and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie
$265.00
when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the assistant states,
"Divorced Barbie
comes with Ken's house, Ken's car,
Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
"More Church Bulletin Bloopers"
A worm welcome to all who have come today.
We have received word of sudden passing
of Rev. Smith this morning during
the worship service. Now let's sing
"Praise God from Whom All Blessings
Flow."
Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
If you would like to make a donation,
fill out a form,
enclose a check and drip in the collection
basket.
Applications are now being accepted
for 2 year-old nursery workers.
Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.
Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well with my Solo"
If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
We are grateful for the help of those
who cleaned up the grounds around the
church building and the rector.
Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to
be
water baptized on the table in the
foyer.
Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.
Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
Thank you dead friends.
Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
When parking on the north side of the
church,
please remember to park on an angel.
Jean will be leading a weight-management
series Wednesday nights. She's
used the program herself and has been
growing like crazy!
- Giving Credit... many bulletin bloopers
are from a
book called "Anguished English" by Richard Lederer.
"I'd like a Coke please"
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to
work. Waitresses now
often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't
have Coke. We have Pepsi,
Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list
of soft drinks, I thought
I'd make life easier. So one day I
simply asked the snack bar
clerk at a movie theater for a "dark,
carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled
and asked, "Sir, would
you like a cylindrical plastic sucking
device with that?"
"Everything
I need to know in life I learned from
my
cat"
* Life is hard, then you nap.
* Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
* When in doubt, cop an attitude.
* Variety is the spice of life: one
day ignore people, the next day
annoy them.
* Climb your way to the top--that's why drapes are there.
* Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face.
* Find your place in the sun--especially
if it happens to be on that
nice pile of warm, clean laundry.
* Make your mark in the world--or at least spray in each corner.
* When eating out think nothing of sending
back your meal twenty or
thirty times
* If you're not receiving enough attention,
try knocking over several
expensive antique lamps.
* Always give generously--a small bird
or rodent left on the bed
tells them, "I care."
* When you go out into the world, remember:
being placed on a
pedestal is a right, not a privilege.
"Sign of our times"
In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center,
a supervisor had placed a
sign directly above the sink. It had
a single word on it -- "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the restroom,
he looked at the sign
and right below, immediately above
the soap dispenser, someone had
carefully lettered another sign which
read -- "THOAP!"
"Thoughts on Raising Kids....."
If it was going to be easy, it never
would have started with something
called labor!
Shouting to make your children obey
is like using the horn to steer your
car. You get about the same results.
To be in your children's memories tomorrow,
you have to be in their lives today.
The smartest advice on raising children
is to
enjoy them while they are still on
your side.
The best way to keep kids at home
is to give it a loving atmosphere --
and hide the keys to the car.
The right temperature in a home
is maintained by warm hearts,
not by hot heads.
Parents are people who bare infants,
bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
The joy of motherhood: What a woman
experiences
when all the children are finally in
bed.
Life's golden age is when the kids are
too old to need baby-sitters
and too young to borrow the family
car.
Any child can tell you that the sole
purpose of a middle name
is so he can tell when he's really
in trouble.
Grandparents are similar to a piece
of string ~ handy to have around
and easily wrapped around the fingers
of grandchildren.
A child outgrows your lap, but never outgrows your heart.
God gave you two ears and one mouth....
so you should listen twice as much
as you talk.
There are three ways to get something
done: Do it yourself,
hire someone to do it, or forbid your
children to do it.
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
You know the only people in this world
who are always
sure about the proper way to raise
children?
Those who've never had any.
Cleaning your house while your kids
are at home
is like trying to shovel the driveway
during a snowstorm.
Oh, to be only half as wonderful as
my child thought I was when he was
small, and half as stupid as my teenager
now thinks I am.
There are only two things a child will
share willing:
communicable diseases and his mother's
age.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Adolescence is the age at which children
stop asking questions
because they know all the answers.
An alarm clock is a device for awakening
people
who don't have small children.
Why is it that our children
can't read a Bible in school,
but they can in prison?
No wonder kids are confused today.
Half the adults tell them to find themselves;
the other half tell them to get lost.
The people hardest to convince
that it's time for retirement
are children at bedtime.
Kids really brighten a household;
they never turn off any lights.
