Jokes

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

"Self-help books"

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales clerk where to find the self-help section.  She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

"Student Bloopers"

- from  "The World's Best Jokes"  Lewis Copeland (Ed.)
Garden City, New York: Garden City Books, 1936. (pp. 295-303)
 
 

  • To keep in good health, inhale and exhale once a day, and do gymlastics.
  • An optimist is a doctor who looks after your eyes. A pessimist is one who attends to your feet.
  • A papal bull was a ferocious bull kept by the Popes to trample on Protestants.
  • A litre is a lot of newborn puppies.
  • Nitrogen is not found in a free state.  It has been discovered in England but not in Ireland.
  • Rotation of crops is so that they can get the sun on all sides.
  • Seats of Congressmen are vaccinated every two years.
  • The hardships of Puritans were what they came over in.
  • Natural immunity is catching a disease without the aid of a physician.
  • The Crusades was trips to drive the turkey out of the Holy Land.
  • A mammal is an animal that succors its ancestors.
  • Skylark is the leading character in Shelley's Merchant of Venice.
  • Mercury was the god of weather, because he is found in thermometers.
  • The Romans prosecuted the early Christians because they disapproved of gladiola fights and would not burn insects before the statue of the Emperor.
  • The chief invention in Egypt was dams to irrigate the Nile.
  • An omelet is a charm worn around the neck in India.
  • Martyr is the Latin for mother.
  • The Moratorium is the largest ocean liner.
  • Fiction are books which are fixed to the shelves and cannot be removed.


    • "Dead Priests"

    Two priests died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly
    Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our
    computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a
    week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"

    The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle,
    soaring above the Rocky mountains."

    "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

    The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will
    any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

    "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep
    track of what you're doing."

    "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be
    a stud."

    "So be it," says St. Peter and the second priest disappears.

    A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St.
    Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble
    locating them?" He asks.

    "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere
    over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one
    could prove to be more difficult. He's on a snow tire, somewhere
    in Minnesota."

    "The Mailman's Last Day"

    It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
    carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
    neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he
    was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly
    congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
    envelope.

    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
    The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
    fishing lures.

    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
    beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the
    hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind
    him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his
    mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

    When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him
    a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry
    waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly
    satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was
    pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
    cup's bottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words," he
    said, "but what's the dollar for?"

    "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would
    be your last day, and that we should do something special for
    you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'F** k him. Give him a
    dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

    "Flying with the Pope"

    A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that
    the Pope was on the same flight.

    "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big
    fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.
    Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next
    to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak
    to the Pontiff.

    Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This
    is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords.  Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.

    Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said,
    "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a
    woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"

    Only one word leapt to mind...my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

    "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

    "From a different angle"

  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  • Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  • I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
  • Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
  • Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
  • Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other senses feel good.

    • "Church Bulletin Bloopers"  from Mikey
     
     

    • The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved... the final

      • secretary gave a grief report.
    • We have received word of sudden passing

      • of Rev. Smith this morning during
      the worship service. Now let's sing "
      Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."
    • Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth
    • Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
    • Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.
    • The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles.

      • The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle.
      The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.
    • Church sign:
        • Jesus Saves!
      Safeway sign across the street:
        Safeway saves you more!
    • For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care

      • and pray for the children in school).
      When their meeting was cancelled one week:
      "There will be no Moms who care this week."
    • Overeaters Anonymous meeting will be held at 8 pm in the large room.


    "$25 Cars"

    At a recent expo, computer guru Bill Gates reportedly compared the
    computer industry with the automotive industry, stating: If General
    Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we'd
    all be driving $25.00 cars that would go 100 miles to the gallon.

    In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a press release
    stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
    be driving cars with the following attributes:

    1. For no reason whatsovere your car would crash twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy
    a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
    would just accept this, restart and drive on.

    4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause
    your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have
    to reinstall the engine.

    5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
    five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on
    5% of the roads.

    6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be
    replaced by a single general car default warning light .

    7. New seats would force everybody to have the same size butt.

    8. The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off.

    9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
    and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle,
    turn the key and grab hold of the radio antenna.

    10. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn
    to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
    the same manner as the old car.

    "The interrupting cow"

    Jack:  Knock!  Knock!
    Jill:  Who's There?
    Jack:  The interrupting cow.
    Jill:  The interrup...
    Jack:  MOO!

    "Things to say if you get caught sleeping at your
    desk"

     9.  "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about
          in that time management course you sent me to."
     8.  "Whew!  Guess I left the top off the white-out.
          You probably got here just in time!"
     7.  "I wasn't sleeping!  I was meditating on the
          mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
     6.  "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
     5.  "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
     4.  "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured
          out a solution to our biggest problem."
     3.  "The coffee machine is broken..."
     2.  "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

    And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.

     1.  " ...... Amen."

    "Sign of the times"

    A sign of the times in America:
    A teacher asked one of her pupils,
    "What's the nation's capital?"

    The reply was, "Washington D.C."

    On being asked what the "D.C." stood
    for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"

                    thanks to Maurice Boardman

    "What goes bump bump in the night"

    Thanks to Bob Weinman

    A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a BUMP’ BUMP,
    BUMP behind him. Walking faster, he looks back, making out the image of an
    upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him,
    BUMP ..  BUMP.. BUMP.  The man begins to run towards his home, and the
    coffin bounces quickly after him, faster and faster ..BUMP, BUMP’ BUMP.

    He runs up to his front door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door and
    rushes in, locking the door behind him. The coffin however, crashes through
    his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping, BUMP, BUMP’ BUMP, on the
    heels of the terrified man.

    Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in, his heart is
    pounding as with a crash the coffin breaks down the door. The coffin starts
    coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something,
    anything, .. but all he can find is a box of cough droops!  Desperate, he
    throws the cough drops at the coffin.

    And, of course, the coffin stops!

    "Quotes"

    Tony Blair
            "I never make predictions.
             I never have and I never will."

    Scientific Bloopers from Richard Lederer:
            Heredity means that if your grandfather didn't have
            any children, then your father probably wouldn't have
            any, and neither would you, probably.

    Alan F. G.  Lewis:
            He called me woodenhead.
            So I gave him a piece of my mind.
            Now he's got a chip on his shoulder.

    Terry Galen:
            Those who work on reducing auto emissions go home exhausted.